Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Guest Blog: Getting Laid

Tripp Stryker continues his week of fill-in columns while The Bitter Script Reader is on vacation. Bitter will return next Monday.

I see a lot of people discussing various strategies about how to get agents. How should they politely query them? What should they put in their email subject line so that it doesn’t get deleted? How many months can they wait before calling to check on it? If you call to check on an email submission, will you be blacklisted? If you push more than one script will you seem arrogant?

Good God, you people are wusses. Worse, you’re insecure. And you know what people think of those who are insecure? They’re losers.

Getting an agent is like getting laid. In fact, it’s exactly like getting laid.

Most women decide in the first 30 seconds they meet you whether or not they’re going to sleep with you. It’s true. In less than a minute, they know if they are ever going to fuck you – so you Ducky’s out there waiting for that girl who sees you as “just a friend” to wake up and ravish you… it ain’t gonna happen.

The same is true with agents – they know right away. There’s no need to woo them, it’s just a numbers game. Some agents will say yes, some will say no. What you need to do as a writer is get through the “nos” fast enough so you can reach that “yes” without wasting your time on dead ends.

I recently went on a date with a young actress who’s currently a co-star on a very popular show. It was sort of a set-up through mutual acquaintances and we ended up meeting at the restaurant. We showed up, checked each other out and made the expected small talk for a few minutes until I cut right to it. I flat out told her that I could tell there was heat between us and that deep down she was just dying to get crazy with me. Before we’d even gotten past drinks, I suggested we take this to my place.

Well, she got all huffy and left right there. Most guys would says “Bitch!” Not me. She saved us both some time. I had a Saturday night free to prowl and find easy prey, and I hadn’t wasted more than 30 minutes. Hell, I hadn’t even wasted money on dinner. Pretty sweet, wouldn’t you say?

If she wanted to sleep with me, that totally would have worked. She totally would have been thrown by the fact that her lust was that obvious. Deep down, all women are insecure, especially the hot ones.

Don’t believe me? Do what I should have done in high school: go to the library and read every book about teenage girls and low self-esteem. They're manuals for how to hit the right insecurities. It’s like having the plans for the Death Star and being able to spot that one thermal exhaust port. I didn’t figure this out until the end of college, but it absolutely is effective.

The very next night I’m out a club with some agency buddies. You know the type, trying way too hard to act like they’re on Entourage. If I'm being truthful, they’re a bunch of posers, but they’re useful because they’re cocky enough and hot enough to lure the chicks in, then just big enough douchebags to make me look sexy by comparison. At best they’re bait. They’re no threat to my game because these guys have no idea what they’re doing.

So another TV starlet comes over. Total hottie. Her show’s not quite as big as the first girl’s but it’s been on longer – or at least it was on longer… really not sure if it was canceled. The point is, you’d know her face and body but you might have to dig for the name. Agency Tard #1 lures her in, having met her when he assisted her boss. Turns out the friend she came with just left with a hookup. Anyway, TV Girl’s totally giving me the eye, to the point of ignoring Former Assistant to keep engaging me in conversation.

The music’s loud, which gives me the perfect excuse to lean over the table and talk right into her ear. If the physics of this worked out, I’d usually suggest just moving to sit up against her. That wasn’t an option, but it did have the effect of shutting down all the other guys. Nothing makes it clear that she’s into only me by the fact that she leans across a table just to chat rather than respond to chatter from other guys trying to talk her up.

I waste little time dropping the bomb. After some cursory chit-chat, I say, “Let’s get out of here and take this back to your place.” She looks shocked at my boldness, but then I accuse her basically of undressing me with her eyes and suggest she should stop embarrassing herself. She denies it – saying she’s not looking for that tonight. I tell her that if that was true, she wouldn’t have bothered wearing her sexier underwear tonight.

I can tell I caught her off guard with this. She doesn’t know what to make of this – if I’m joking, if I’m insulting, or if I’m coming onto her. She tries the flirt. Big mistake for her. “What makes you think I am?” she says, in a tone of voice that totally tells me I’m right. I tell her, “If I’m not, let’s head out back and you can show me how wrong I am.”

She doesn’t have an answer for that. She leans back and just looks at me. I’ve run this game before, so I know to back off and let her think she’s losing my attention.

Three minutes later her foot is massaging my crotch. With her panties dangling from it. She’s got my attention. Our eyes meet, and we’re out of there before our companions even notice we’re missing.

It’s a numbers game.

Agents are just as insecure, and just as quick to judge if you’ll fill their needs. Sure, their logical side might say to take a day or so, really weigh the merits of you as a writer and then render a decision. But at the end of the day they can’t afford to open the trades tomorrow and see your name with another agency.

You have all the power. They are nobody. Their whole system is designed to make writers feel like the agents hold all the cards. It’s not about them letting you into the agency, it’s about you letting them get your work.

TV Girl wanted to fuck me. Her logical side probably was trying to tell her to get to know me better, or to feel me out first before taking that step – but deep down she wanted to do it. It was an instinct that was begging to be followed – all I did was jumpstart it before she found a reason not to listen to it. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by being forward.

And it’s exactly the same with agents.

Contact Tripp Stryker at TrippleThreat69@hotmail.com.


  1. Holy crap, Tripp Stryker is Neil Strauss!

    Also, this is the funniest shit I've read in a long time.

  2. Now I'm going to have to spend my night trying to work out who these actresses are.

  3. I was a bike messenger in SFO back in the 90's and delivered a package to a photo shoot for a Mylanta commercial. I jokingly told the woman signing for the package that "I'm an actor". Then I stuck out my stomach and said, "I need me some Mylanta."

    So the woman tells me that I should think about acting. I joked again about that and asked how. She told me I needed an agent and referred to the talent agency where I picked up the package.

    Not wanting to blow my day ($$$) by taking time to return to the agent, I waited TWO DAYS to go back. The agent instantly told me that the woman signing for the package was the director, and she wanted me back that day. So I'd screwed that opportunity up totally, but I did get an agent willing to send me on numerous auditions.

    I never appreciated my luck until noticing that I was the only one in my first acting class with an agent. I never got any work, but that was my fault for not following through and for leaving San Francisco (I'm still wanted there for blowing a red light on the bike).

    Maybe getting a literary agent won't be as easy, but I'm not believing it isn't possible & downright easy. Mostly I'm confident because I don't really need me some Mylanta.

  4. "... they’re cocky enough and hot enough to lure the chicks in, then just big enough douchebags to make me look sexy by comparison."

    Don't sell yourself short Trippy.

  5. wow. gross. just stopped following.

  6. Just to clarify: I don't mean this post is 'funny' in an 'I agree with this misogynist horse-shit' way.

    I mean this is funny because it's either a brilliant hoax or this guy is an enormous asshole and we should laugh at him.

  7. I'm going to start sending in dirty underwear with all my script submissions.

  8. haha
    ...I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline... 60% of the time it works, every time...

  9. Crikey, this story reminds me of my college days.

    File the below opinion in the for what it's worth category.

    It's easy to get laid, it's not nearly as easy to get the girl (or guy, depending on who you are) of your dreams (and everyone else's dreams) to settle down and marry you ...

    I've had bad agents and bad managers ... for each I'd say that the bad ones I've had were really anxious to get into my pants right from the get-go ... and it always turned out badly.

    The good representation I ended up with took time, we both discussed our needs and hopes for the future before committing to each other, acted like adults and it all worked out thus far.

    Lesson learned, don't be desperate for a relationship (or representation) or get laid, so desperate that you'll do or say anything ...

    It's better to be alone than in a bad relationship, ergo it's better to have no agent than it is to have a bad one.

    Just my experience, for what it's worth ...

  10. Thanks for the advice [?] Next time tell us about a surrealistic dream you had. It will be just as enlightening.

    Things [not] learned:
    People in the business are arrogant, self-centered douchebags

    Starlets are naive, slutty airheads

    Aspiring writers are wusses who can't do anything right

    We should all get laid more often

    I should query all of my stuff at one time and demand an immediate answer of yes or no because anything else would be a waste of everyone's time

    Got it. When's the bitter guy coming back?

  11. The intention of this blog was to be informative and insightful. It's a shame that in its owner's absence, his FRIEND maintains posting duties with such little integrity as to cite a sexual escapade or personal encounter with a girl as metaphor to securing an agent. Most interestingly, and ironically, the direction this poster takes to "get through the NOs to find the YEAHs" only proves that coming on too strong turns many people off and jeopardizes the potential for a more meaningful and productive relationship; that is to say, if you're only looking to get fucked, that's exactly what an agent will do to you-- or anyone in Hollywood for that matter.

  12. I love how you write a post about how wussy screenwriters are and then get a bunch of wussy comments from screenwriters.

    And does this really count as misogynistic? Guy goes out and is perfectly honest about what he wants. Women can tell him no and walk away. Guess it's more gentlemenly to buy her a bunch of drinks and make small talk while hoping her inhibitions lower.

  13. Since several of you have asked, I'm back Monday. I really should be working on the rewrite, but since this thread is getting so much attention and I've seen a lot of new names in the comments the last few days, I just wanted to stop in, say "hi," and encourage all of you to keep posting next week when we're back with normal posts.

    I don't have time to respond to everyone, but Joshua, thanks for offering such sage advice and keeping everyone sane in here. I'm sure we can all benefit from it.

    And now I'm off to see about polishing Act Three before this day is closed.

  14. Well, thanks to Rolling Stone, I know exactly who the actress is.

    (And now to read the rest of this post.)

  15. I will not read your fucking blogpost.

  16. Alright BSR. I'll come back next week. But only because Emily Blake's response kicks ass.

  17. Hated Tripp yesterday, love him today. Genius.

  18. "Tripp Stryker." Great character name, BSR. Love the alter ego. Hilarious.

  19. Bingo, TrG.

    Exactly, Steve the Creep.

    Way to set 'em up and knock 'em down, BSR.

    Anyone here ever heard of "subtext" or of reading-between-the-lines or of character archetypes.

    Stryker's a combination of the Trickster, the Shapeshifter and the Dark Mentor.

    It's good for a laugh, at worst.

  20. The voice of Tripp is such a dramatic departure from BSR.

    Tripp's a Hollywood braggart, sneers at the most basic rules of screenwriting (colored paper? ha!), misogynist (it's misogynist to exploit the insecurities of women to sleep with them, despite some comments to the contrary).

    And any self-promoting d-bag who refuses to have a Facebook page?

    He's a great Dark Mentor character, but not a real person.

  21. Dude!! You got laid, this one time??!