Hey gang, Bitter here. Our old buddy Tripp Stryker has a Tuesday Talkback question he's been dying to throw in the hopper for a few weeks now, but other blog priorities had left that feature on hiatus. But I promised him he'd get his say, so I'll let him take it from here.
If you keep up with all of the important trade sites like I do, you're aware that Megan Fox will not be returning in Transfomers 3 and has since been replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, a lingerie model with no acting experience at all.
Sorry, my mind wandered there for a second. Anyway, I'm glad to see that no one is too bent out of shape by this. Not because Megan Fox already sucked as an actress - that's been common knowledge for years. I think it's great to see an admission from Hollywood that no actor really has to be that good.
I don't know about you, but I don't go to the movies to see good acting. I go to see attractive people do stuff I can relate to (or in the case of most of you readers, to do things you could only dream of doing.) The problem is that really shitty acting is capable of ruining even that for me, and I suspect that's true of most people.
Yet I'm convinced that this is the start of a trend. Lingerie runways are soon going to be to film what soap operas were to major primetime shows - a training ground for the A-list of tomorrow. I believe that in the next 10 years, we will see an Oscar won by someone who wore racy lingerie for a living (and I'm not talking about those actresses that Stanley Kubrick screentested for Eyes Wide Shut.)
I'm shooting to be on the crest of the wave, which is why a few weeks ago I started on my newest script. It's about a sexy assassin for hire who crosses the wrong people and has to go into hiding as a stripper while slowly picking off her pursuers. The lead role is being written for a Victoria's Secret supermodel - Marisa Miller.
I know, I know... I can hear all of you saying "But she probably can't act!" Don't worry, I've thought of that. See, this assassin is a mute. She doesn't have a single line of dialogue. All she has to do is move where the director tells her to move and look hot. Bingo! No bad line readings, and if she can't even emote, it works with the whole "hardened killer" thing?
I'm thinking of calling it "Silent, But Deadly." What do you think?
Why Marisa Miller? Assassin movies have to remain somewhat attuned to the politics of the time and since the Republicans are poised to take back a ton of the government come fall elections, that means that patriotism will soon be back in style, baby! There's no model who looks more all-American than Marisa Miller. Most of the rest look uncomfortably Communist - like the girls that James Bond would have to bed in order to get close to the spy.
That doesn't mean they can't be in my movie, though. The antagonist can be written as a foreign looker and we can cast virtually any of the other exotic Victoria's Secret Angels. Right now, I'm thinking of making the enemy a Russian assassin trained by the remnants of the KGB who is now with a rogue group of terrorists. My pick: Alessandra Ambrosio. She puts the "ass" in "assassin" (in more ways than one.)
I haven't decided if I'm going to make her a mute too, or if she's just not going to speak English. I figure that if all her dialogue is in a foreign language, no one will notice if her acting sucks since they can't understand her. Plus, she won't even need to learn her lines. She could spout gibberish and the subtitles can carry the whole thing.
Here's where the Talkback part comes in: You all had plenty of shit to say the last time I popped up, questioning everything about my advice. Apparently I'm a woman-hater, a pig, and a sexist boor. Guess one learns something new about themselves every day. I could have gotten mad, but I decided to take it as my "Come to Jesus" moment. I need to write more female leads, and put them in strong positions of power. This might be the most feminist thing I've ever written.
So given that I'm playing in territory you guys seem to know a lot about, as the last step of giving my audience what they so clearly want, I need you to tell me what you want to see in this cat-and-mouse lingerie model assassin thriller. What's gonna put assess in the seats for you? Big explosions, hot chicks, shower scenes? How can I ensure this film is a success so that it doesn't become an excuse for not making other feminist-themed films about powerful women?
I'm just so excited to be a part of the new feminism. We've reached true equality when attractive people don't have to have any proven talent in order to get the opportunities that brilliant actors just have handed to them. It's Attractive Affirmative Action, baby! Yes, we can!
As always, you can reach Tripp Stryker at TrippleThreat69@hotmail.com but he will be checking in on the responses to this thread so tell him what you think!